My last entry was 99 weeks ago. That is aweome. The last 99 weeks have been full of change, some good, some horrible.
Having to come back to the US was probably the worst thing I've ever had to do. I was really angry for a really long time, and to be honest I am still kind of bitter about it. My perception (and this is faulty I know) is that whatever I want too much, I don't get. I wanted to stay in England more than anything. I had a life there. Friends. A job I loved. I felt more at home in the 2 and a half years I lived there than I ever have in the US. And on the whim of the visa officals I had to say goodbye to all of it.
So I came back to Michigan and stayed with my sister. I spent 4 months trying to find a job in Grand Rapids so that I could be near my family, the one bright spot in coming back. Nope. Nothing.
I ended up in Southern Indiana, 6 hours from GR. Too far to be able to visit often. So I moved down here.
I love my job. I work with troubled teenage boys. It's a challenge and I have learned patience and understanding, empathy and care in the last year. My heart breaks for the things that my boys have gone through and continue to deal with.
It's a stressful job and being able to have 3 days off at a time is great. But I haven't done a very good job of settling in down here, partly because I don't want to resign myself to living permanently in "the south" where people are ultraconservative and racist and redneck-ish.
I haven't found a church, haven't made any friends outside of work, nothing. I haven't been to church in about a year, except for the couple of times I've been up visiting family and have gone with them. 2 years ago I never would have thought I would be in this position. I am bitter towards God, I am. I know I shouldn't be, but you can't always control your emotions.
I will say, though, that I am starting to realize that maybe I am here for a reason. Maybe I am the one that God put here in this facility to pray for and love these specific boys. But that doesn't make it any easier to actually be here.
I've just applied for a job in Grand Rapids again, and had an interview. It's a facility just like this one. Right in Grand Rapids, near my sister and friends. I was really excited about the possibility of finally getting what I wanted, but after the interview I started having second thoughts. I don't get that, because on paper it is a perfect job for me, exactly what I said I wanted. But maybe that is God again telling me that I'm in the right place now?
I don't know. I've spent so long ignoring God that I can't recognize Him working at all.
So that's pretty much a summary of the last 99 weeks. Since I've been back in the US (I still think of England as home) I have been in limbo. I cut myself off from a lot of people, friends, stopped writing emails and letters and posting blogs. I think I have been a little depressed.
But I feel like I'm beginning to turn a corner now, I went back to England in September for a visit and got some closure, sorted out a lot of things that I had left undone and said a real goodbye to a lot of people. Not that I won't ever see them again, but when I left originally I thought I was coming right back.
I hope this is some kind of explanation for the last year of my life. I apologize to those who haven't heard from me in a while.